Two years ago I participated in the 5-day silent retreat at Chapman Lake. As I used the Examination of Consciousness to reflect on my relationship with God, I became deeply aware of my transgressions against Him and others. Laden with feelings of guilt for these innumerable sins, I felt helpless. I felt ashamed. I felt the need to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation immediately and to sin no more. At that point, in my mind, God was a tyrant who ruled with an iron fist. He demanded perfection from everyone, and that included me.
But during breakfast one morning, I experienced a moment of grace. I started to understand God’s unconditional love for me. For the first time in my life, I believed that God appreciated me for who I was (sinfulness and all!). And in His great mercy, God forgave me for my transgressions. In that instance, I realized that God doesn’t want me to be perfect as He is perfect. That is impossible. Rather, God wants me to become the best version of my human self.
Having a better grasp of my relationship with God, I started to reflect on my response to His love and mercy. I asked myself a lot of questions. How often do I make time for God amidst my classes, work, family, friends etc? Do I pray? Do I meditate? Do I read the Bible regularly? Do I speak to God? Do I listen to God? Am I cognizant of the ways in which He manifests himself in my life?
The honest truth is that I wasn’t spending enough time with God in prayer. I wasn’t carving out a block in the day to reflect on the different ways in which God involves Himself in my life. I wasn’t reading the Bible, and I certainly wasn’t meditating. Because of this, I didn’t understand that God always forgives me as long as I am genuinely contrite. I allowed my flawed human nature get in the way of my relationship with God. One of my goals this Lenten season is to become more mindful of God’s presence in my Life. In doing so, I know that my relationship with Him will blossom.
Joseph S., ‘11
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